When being a 'good friend' isn't always possible

If you met me right now, I wouldn’t be a good friend.

In fact, I’ve been a pretty terrible friend for the past few years. I don’t try to be a bad friend, but my anxiety can grip me so tightly I can’t breathe.

It cradles me and holds me ever so close to its chest, making it difficult to see anything else.

My anxiety starts as rubber band balls in my knees. The feeling of needing to move immediately before your skeletal system revolts and leaves your skin.

It’s butterfly wings that turn into a tangled ball of mill worms in my belly.

My anxiety tells me the smallest task is insurmountable so I should wait to conquer it...until it looks as insurmountable as it feels.

My body has learned to stay quiet in the presence of other people. Feigning control over the thing that has a vice grip on the part of my brain that allows me to “lighten up.”

At this point in time, anxiety is a cruel joke that people who don’t have it, try on to see how it fits.

Anxiety isn’t a joke, but it makes itself the punchline of every situation.

It’s interesting how it works. Clutter makes you anxious when you have anxiety, but anxiety makes you not want to organize because it seems like too much.

You can’t throw that away because you might need it again 3 years from now for some unknown reason.

You remember that time that you threw that one thing away and then it turned out to be important? Anxiety remembers.

Then one day you wake up, and it’s gone. You realize you’ve spent two days without one hint of your nagging passenger.

But the reality is, it’s not truly gone. It’s just not around for a little while. Maybe a vacation. Maybe personifying something you have little control over makes it quirky and not so weird.

So, right now, I’m a crappy friend, but I’m loyal. I show up for the hard stuff. I’m there for the uncomfortable and sad.

I show up when you need a friend the most and my stuff won’t get in the way.

I notice your struggle because I’ve struggled too.

If a friend doesn’t return a phone call or misses a birthday party, give them grace. They may be struggling with something they can’t explain.

Asking for help works. Reaching out when you notice a change helps too.